I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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