Only a mothe r could love this liver
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
