I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize