He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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