On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
