There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
