it was like his penis was on wheels.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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