I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
