She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
COCAINE IS GR8
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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