WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize