You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think i got beer on your cat.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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