My cat gives me a boner
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
