well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
try to milk me bitch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
