Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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