Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
