Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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