Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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