update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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