Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
