If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
