im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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