i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
