Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
