Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
