Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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