I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I came so hard my ears popped.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
