I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
