Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
