So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
