Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize