I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize