She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
