im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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