I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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