I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's always time for handjobs
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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