You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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