Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
