I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
