bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
