thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
