I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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