Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize