dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
