Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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