I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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