its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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