Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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