:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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