I'm gonna have a badass scar
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
