You smell like stripper and shame
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have already put on my inside pants.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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