Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
