I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
