If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
