I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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