I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
