Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
