I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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