just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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