Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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