i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
